Thursday, August 23, 2012

Seriously! Am I going back to jail???

Having spent the most beautiful summer ever with my loving daughter Kyanne, I am now sick to my stomach.

For the past few months, we’ve been having breakfast each morning outside appreciating the view of the ocean followed by a nice walk on the beach with the dogs. I seriously tried to get us doing chores or go to Moncton to run some errands, but it’s been just too nice and hot every day.  After Kyanne’s nap, we normally did some activities. We either went to the beach with Théo and Liette go to my friend’s pools or take walks in the parks. Why does it have to come to an end???

Why am I feeling this way anyways? Kyanne has adjusted extremely well in daycare. I take her twice a week and she just loves it. You would think that I should be happy about it.

Yesterday we had our last playdate with Théo and Liette as status “parental leave”. Liette is returning to work next Monday. We’ll now have to see each other on weekends. I didn’t think it would have affected me but I’ve had tears in my eyes all day today. I just don’t want to go back to work. I think the problem is that I just don’t like my work. Yes I have a good secure job... I think... but I just don’t really care for it. I don’t think I was brought on this planet to work at a desk all day.

Since Kyanne came home to us, my life has changed. Yes for the better that is!!! It was not an easy job being a mommy to a toddler for the first time. We’ve had some good and bad times, but we both grew together and learned who we truly are deep down inside. I love doing things spur of the moment, not having a schedule. I love being able to appreciate the mornings at home. That being said... I now know that in order for me to be truly happy, inside and out, I need to find a job that fits my needs. I don’t want a job 8 to 5 bull shit...

Yes I will be back to work in 2 weeks, but I will be focusing on changing what I do. Kyanne has brought so much joy in my life. I am her roll model right now. I am teaching her right from wrong. I am teaching her to be her best. I can’t teach her all that if I am not doing it myself. I want her to learn to be herself and not what others think she should be.  Taking the easy path does not mean you’re happy at the end. It just means you made a decision to settle for less.

So am I really going to change? Don’t know. All I know is that I needed to write it down and tell someone. What a better place than my blog so everyone knows how I feel right now lol!  

Off I go now to get Kyanne from daycare. We have a playdate with the girls I grew up back when I was in school. It’s going to be fun!


Joy said...

I feel your pain. We love a flexible lifestyle, and value having at least one of us around for the kids. I knew I would go back about 2 days/week (I need a certain number of hours to keep my occupational therapy license, and feel it would be unwise to give it up, or have to re-train in a few years if I went back into the profession), but we hoped to avoid child care with some sort of flexible arrangements.

As it happens, Geoff opted to take parental leave after me (our adoption was considered two separate placements, so we each qualified for a leave), and I went back 2.5 days/week. Those 5 months were great! When Geoff's EI payments stopped at the one-year mark after placement, I increased to 3 days/week (still a very flexible job, and working from home when I'm not seeing clients - so the kids still see me lots).

Anyway, we're still trying to figure out exactly what things will look like moving forward, but don't want to compromise on the flexibility and availability of one of us at home.

I was a bit surprised going back to work. I thought it would be harder, but in some ways I think it has balanced out the stress of parenting all day, every day (I did find it hard to be the only parent around while Geoff was gone 40+ hours/week). It would be harder if Geoff had not been home full-time, and we don't know what the future looks like at this point.

I guess my point is that for us, so far, it has definitely been worth exploring more flexible options. I did love knowing that I could plan my days around outings and errands, and didn't have a work schedule to "get in the way". I wish you all the best as you begin to explore and think creatively about where your work path might be leading!

Sylvie and Victor said...

Thanks Joy!!! It helps to hear that there are others out there who are in the same situation as I am.